Now Sing the Song of Dissing

INTRODUCTION

This is a song in tribute to my friend, Olivier de Bayonne. Word-wise it consists entirely of insults that can be found in Shakespearean plays. Shakespeare was well known for his ability to insult and inflame and many of his plays contain long strings of insults. One such example of a string of insults by Shakespeare can be found in the play Henry IV (part I). In act II, scene IV Prince Hal refers to the Vintner as a ‘leather jerkin, crystal button, knotty pated agate ring puke stocking caddis garter smooth tongued Spanish pouch’. (A rather lengthy way to call someone a well dressed bag-of-wind).

Another good example can be found in ‘A Comedy of Errors’ where Dromio of Syracuse says to Dromio of Ephesus ‘Mome, malthorse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!’ (aka Dolt, beast, coward, eunich, idiot, clown!)

In addition, Shakespeare often directed these insults at fellow poets and wordsmiths, especially in his sonnets. In eight different sonnets from 79 to 86 Shakespeare makes reference to a rival poet and takes jabs at him, such as this from Sonnet 80:

"O, how I faint when I of you do write,
Knowing a better spirit doth use your name"

While many scholars think this jab may have been made at George Chapman (a rival poet who competed for patronage with Shakespeare) others believe it may have been a poet by the name of Southhamptons. I feel I will only be keeping in spirit by following in Shakepeare’s footsteps by taking jabs at a fellow poet who, after all, succeeded me as Baronial Bard and is also Poeta Atlantiae. Darn him all to heck.

This song is just a much longer string of insults put together with a refrain that repeats itself three times. The song goes to the music of Thomas Morley’s Song ‘Now is the Month of Maying’. More about Thomas Morley can be found in following pages, but suffice to say I chose to use Morley’s music because Morley was alive and practicing as a songwriter at the same time and place as Shakespeare (he was born 1557 and died 1602). In fact, he lived for a time in the same Parish as Shakespeare and at least one song by Morley, ‘It was a Lover and His Lass’ is mentioned in Shakespeare’s play ‘As you like it’. (Scholars disagree on whether or not Morley’s song was ever actually performed with the play during the late 16th and early 17th centuries.)

 

ABOUT THOMAS MORLEY

The Man:

Thomas Morley, author of the song ‘Now is the Month of Maying (which this song is sung to) was born in 1557 and died in 1602. He is probably best known for his composition of madrigals. He wrote several works, including A PLAINE AND EASIE INTRODUCTION TO PRACTICALL MUSICKE. This was dedicated to his teacher, William Byrd, another well-known song writer of that period. During his lifetime Morley worked as an author, songwriter, and a publisher/printer of music.

Morley's Madrigals:

Morley's Madrigals included the Canzonets (short repetitive refrain madrigals) which were published in 1593. These were followed by a four-part collection of madrigals in 1594. He then went on to write of adaptations to Italian Madrigals. In 1601 Morley put together a collaboration of madrigals by twenty-three different composers called THE TRIUMPHS OF ORIANA. This was written as an offering to the Arcadian Queen of the Shepherds. In the collection, every madrigal is completed with the words: "Long Live Fair Oriana!"

Morley’s thoughts on the Madrigals and Madrigal Singers of the time:

(A Quote from his book)--

"The light music hath been of late more deeply dived into so that there is no vanity which in it hath not been followed to the full; but the best kind of it is termed madrigal, a word for the etymology of which I can give no reason; yet use showeth that it is kind of music made upon songs and sonnets such as Petrarch and many poets of our time have excelled in. This kind of music were not so much disallowable if the poets who compose the ditties would abstain from some obscenities which all honest ears abhor, and sometimes from blasphemies to such as this, "ch'altro di te iddio non voglio" [I wish no other god but thee], which no man (at least who hath any hope of salvation) can sing without trembling. As for the music it is, next unto the motet, the most artificial and, to men of understanding, most delightful. If therefore, you will compose in this kind you must possess yourself with an amorous humor (for in no composition shall you prove admirable except you put o! n and possess yourself wholly with that vein wherein you compose), so that you must in your music be wavering like the wind, sometime wonton, sometime drooping, sometime grave and staid, otherwhile effeminate; you may maintain poets and revert them, use triplas, and show the very uttermost of your variety and the more variety you show the better you shall please. In this kind our age excelleth, so that if you would imitate any I would appoint you these for guides: Alfonso Ferrabosco for deep skill, Luca Marenzio for good air and fine invention, Horation Vecchi, Stephano Venturi, Ruggiero Giovanelli, and John Croce, with divers others who are very good but not generally good as these."

 

THE TRANSLATION

This translation is entirely dependent upon Reference #1. It is entirely conceivable that the authors of that book would translate specific words differently than other scholars would. This is especially true of slang and euphemisms, which change rapidly enough that some of these translations may well have made little sense to the person on the street in the year 1590.

Thou craven, churlish, cankered, dog-hearted knavish dotard
You spineless, ungracious, malignant, cruel idiotic senile old fool

You show yourself as highly fed and lowly taught.
Your actions show you to be an upper class idiot.

Thou bootless, boorish, logger-headed lump of foul deformity
You are a worthless, uncultured, thick-headed lump of nastiness

More of your conversation would infect my brain.
When you speak, I grow nauseated.

Were I to be Like thee, I would throw myself away
If I were like you, I would kill myself

Codpiece sniffing addle gudgeon . . . eat my leek!
You crotch sniffing, rotten lump of fish bait- Bite me!

Thou Barren, pocky, prating and calumnious capon
You are an apathetic, pox infested, blathering, slander-spewing eunich

Would that though were clean enough to spit upon.
You are not even worth my saliva

Beslubbering fustilarian- inglorious assinico
You are a smelly old woman who spreads it on thick, You humiliating little ass.

Idle headed mewling, moonish apple-john
You ignorant, whining, fickle piece of dried fruit skin.

Were I to be Like thee, I would throw myself away
If I were like you, I would kill myself

Codpiece sniffing addle gudgeon . . . eat my leek!
You crotch sniffing, rotten lump of fish bait- Bite me!

Thou anthropophaginian, and all-abhorred dowset
You cannibalisti, completely detestable deer testicle

Thou Knotty pated Boil-brained bubukle 
You slow witted, hard headed inflamed swelling

Thou sodden witted lord, thou hast no more of brain 
You are an idiot with less brain in your head

than I have in my elbow . . . thou scurvy, spleeny keech
than I have in my elbow- you despicable, hot tempered lump of congealed fat.

Were I to be Like thee, I would throw myself away
If I were like you, I would kill myself

Codpiece sniffing addle gudgeon . . . eat my leek!
You crotch sniffing, rotten lump of fish bait- Bite me!

 

THE SOURCES OF THE INSULTS

Each individual insult in this song is listed. After the insult (or phrase, where an entire phrase is taken) is the Play, act and scene number for the insult. After that is, in parentheses, who actually said the line, along with a portion of the actual quote from the play that the insult (or phrase) was taken from.

Craven: from Edward III, act 4, scene 5. (King John to Phillip)
‘Awake thy Craven powers and tell on’.

Churlish: from Henry V, act 4, scene 1 (King Henry to Erpingham)
‘ . . . were better than a churlish turf of France’.

Cankered: from Romeo and Juliet, act 1, scene 1 (Prince to citizens)
‘wield old partisans . . . to part your cankered hate’.

Dog-Hearted: from King Lear, act 4, scene 3 (disguised Kent to Gentleman)
‘his own unkindness . . . gave her dear rights to his dog-hearted daughters.’

Knavish: from Love’s Labours Lost, act 5, scene 2 (Boyet to Princess)
‘ their herald is a pretty knavish page’.

Dotard: from Much Ado About Nothing, act 5 scene 1 (Leonato to Claudio)
‘I speak not like a dotard nor a fool’.

‘You Show Yourself . . . lowly taught’: from All’s Well that Ends Well, act 2 scene 2 (clown to countess)
'I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught’

bootless: from Richard III, act 3, scene 4. (Lovel to Hastings)
‘Tis bootless to exclaim’.

Boorish: from As You Like It, act 5 Scene 1 ( Touchstone to William)-
‘in the boorish is company’.

logger-headed: from Taming of the Shrew, act 4, scene 1 (Petruchio to servants)
‘you logger-headed and unpolished grooms!’

‘lump of foul deformity’: from Richard III, act 1 scene2, (Anne to Richard)
‘blush, blush, thou lump of foul deformity’

‘were I like thee, I would throw myself away’: from Timon of Athens, act 4 scene 3 (Timon to Apemantus)

codpiece: from Two Gentlemen of Verona, act 2 scene 7 (Lucetta to Julia)
‘you needs must have them with a codpiece’. I added the word sniffing, because it seemed the thing to do.

addle: from Troilus and Cressida Act 1 scene 2 (Panderus to Cressida)
‘he esteems her no more than I esteem an addle egg’.

Gudgeon: from Merchant of Venice act 1, scene 1 (Gratiano to Antonio)
‘fish not with this melancholy bait for this fool gudgeon, this opinion’
‘eat my leek’- a phrase from the play Henry V, act 5 scene 1 (Fluellen to Pistol)
this phrase is used multiple times in the scene and is a demand by Fluellen that Pistol actually eat his leek (the vegetable). Therefore, this saying never literally meant ‘bite me’, but it was most certainly meant as a statement of degradation and mastery over another. Again, the artistic license may be a bit over used, but it is certain that shakespeare made several references to phalluses in his works.

barren: from Hamlet, act 3, scene 2 (Hamlet to Players)-
‘some quantity of barren spectators’.

Pocky: from Hamlet, act 5, scene 1 (First Clown to Hamlet)-
‘we have many pocky corses nowadays’.

Prating: from Romeo and Juliet, act 2, scene 4 (Nurse to romeo of juliet)
‘when ‘twas a little prating thing’.

calumnious: from Hamlet, Act I, scene 3 (Laertes to Ophelia)-
‘Virtue itself escapes not Calumnious strokes’

capon: from Cymbeline, act 2, scene 1 (Second Lord to himself)
‘you are cock and capon, too’.

‘would thou wert clean enough to spit upon’: from Timon of Athens, act 4 scene 3 (Timon to Apemantus)

beslubbering: Henry IV (part 1) act 2, scene 4 (Bardolph to Prince Hal)
‘Falstaff persuaded us to beslubber our garments with it.’

Fustilarian: from Henry IV, part 2, act 2 scene 1 (Page to Hostess)
‘You fustilarian!’

inglorious: from King John act 5 scene 1 (Bastard to King John)
‘O inglorious league!’

assinico: from Troillus and Cressida, act 2, scene 1 (Thersites to Ajax)
‘An assinico may tutor thee’.

idle-headed: from Merry Wives of Windsor, act 4, scene 4 (Mistress Page to All)
‘The superstitious idle-headed eld . . . did deliver to our age this tale’

mewling: from As You Like It, act 2 scene 7 (Jaques to all)
‘The Infant . . . mewling and puking in the Nurse’s arms’

moonish: from As You Like It, act 3, scene 2 (Rosalind as Ganymede to Orlando)
‘I, being but a Moonish Youth’.

apple-john: from Henry IV, part 1, scene 3, act 3 (Falstaff to Bardolph)
‘I am withered like an old apple-john.’

anthropophaginian: from The Merry Wives of Windsor, act 4, scene 5 (Host to Simple, of Falstaff)
‘He’ll speak like an anthropophaginian to thee.’

all-abhorred: from Henry IV, part 1, act 5, scene 1 (King Henry to Worcester)
‘Will you again unknit the churlish knot of all-abhorred war?’

dowset: from The Two Noble Kinsmen, act 3, scene 5 (Schoolmaster to Thesues, of the hunted stag)
‘May the ladies eat his dowsets’. (Note: deer testicles were considered a culinary delicacy at the time, so in a weird way this is a compliment. But only in a weird way.)

knotty pated: from henry IV, part 1, act 2, scene 4. (Prince Hal to Falstaff)
‘thou knotty pated fool.’

boil-brained: from The Winter’s Tale, act 3 scene 3 (Shepard to Himself)
‘would any but these boil-brains of nineteen and two and twenty hunt in this weather?’

bubukle: from Henry V, act 3 scene 6 (Fluellen to King Henry of Bardolph)
‘his face is all bubukles’. This word is likely a combination of bubo and carbunkle.

scurvy: from King Lear, act 4, scene 6 (Lear to all)
‘like a scurvy politician seem to see the things thou dost not’.

Spleeny: from Henry VIII, act 3, scene 2 (Wolsey to himself, of Anne)
‘Yet I know her for a spleeny lutheran’.

Keech: from Henry VIII, act 1, scene 1 (Buckingham to Norfolk, of Wolsey)
‘Such a keech . . . with his very bulk.’

 

REFERENCES

Crystal, David and Ben. Shakespeare’s Words; A Glossary and Language Companion. Penguin Books, London, England. 2002 ISBN 0140291172.

Gustave, Reese.Music in the Renaissance. New York, Norton, 1954. ISBN 0393095304.

Morley, Thomas. A Plaine and Easie Introduction to Practicall Musicke. (originally written 1597) ed. R. Alec Harman. New York: Norton, 1973.